attack.

I am sitting in the office and the computers are humming and I feel like I'm going to freak out.

Yesterday we added room darkening shades to Lane's room and they worked wonders.  At night though I couldn't sleep.  I felt on edge and anxious and when Colt went to bed, I couldn't go to bed and sat up reading about Kim Kardashian.  When I finally forced myself to close the computer, I lay awake for an hour trying to take deep breaths and consciously relax each muscle in my body.

When I did fall asleep, I had awful anxiety dreams about fires and guns and bad people with no conscience, and in my dream Lane was sleeping the whole time in the room with the room darkening shades.

I woke up sweaty and panicking and I was wide awake.  I walked through the house, looked out all the windows, pet the cat while my heart was beating out of my chest so fast and hard.  I walked into Lane's room and woke him on purpose and breastfed him and put him back to bed.  Then I fell asleep.

I've been riding waves of anxiety for weeks.  We went to the white water center and I was carrying Lane in the ergo when I had a full-on panic attack on one of the trails and knelt down and tried to breathe.  It didn't go away.  We ate lunch, I drank water, Colt took the ergo, but I still panicked all the way until we left, trying to catch my breath, trying not to feel dizzy under the sun.

A few days ago I told him I thought I was going crazy.  My head was thinking all sorts of things it shouldn't.

Now I am AT the office, panicking.  My hands are shaking.

I read this post by Ashley at Stork and the Beanstalk and wondered if this could be related to cutting Lane's feedings so drastically this month?  Where we were eating whenever he wanted (15+ times a day) at the beginning of August, now we eat 4 times a day and 1-2 times a night.  This still seems like a lot and if my anxiety is related to this I am terrified of weaning.  I have been trying to night wean too, so that we only feed 4 times a day total, but last night after my dream it seemed the only way to relax was to feed my baby

I was so relieved when I survived the drop-in-hormone-depression after the first few weeks with Lane without too much incident.  I would cry sometimes but it all subsided in a few weeks time and I didn't have any residual post-partum depression.  I thought I was in the clear, but now I don't know.

Am I reaching for a reason to explain this relapse?  The truth about anxiety is I have always tried to find the why, but it's like explaining away an irrational fear.  It doesn't do anything to help the core or give me a sense of control.  Sure, it's nice to know that what's going on in your body and head have something to do with each other (duh) but it doesn't take away the sensations.  I don't feel like I can function outside of my house, or inside of my house at night right now.  I want to give myself the space to adjust to whatever is going on whether it's hormones or something else entirely, but anxiety is the worst, it's the worst thing for me.  I can't stand it.