Having a newborn is tiring, even when your newborn is a sleep junkie who feeds like a pro and barely cries and doesn't mind falling asleep with Sex and the City blaring from the TV.
But I'm not complaining.
Margo has fit right in to our world without making too many waves. She wants me to hold her and feed her the 10% of the time she's not sleeping and I'm completely fine with that after seeing how fast this phase goes the first time around. What was once very stressful with Lane has become a blessing with her. Ah experience, how you temper us.
Lane has done surprisingly well. He likes putting music on for Margo to sleep to, he whispers in her ear that he loves her and he pets her hair in the mornings when he wakes up. He calls it "sweet and pineapple hair", nope I don't know why.
I knew he would take to this whole thing, loving her right away and even more as she grows. I wasn't worried about him. What I forgot to think about was OUR relationship and these last 7 days have left me grieving about Lane. Colt has always been his primary care taker, playing with and entertaining him every day, so Lane's schedule and lifestyle hasn't changed at all, really. But I still feel like I can't give him the level of attention I used to when I am around, and I feel this insane amount of guilt about it. I know it's hormonally based, but I love my son so much and I'm struggling with how my love has grown to encompass both of them when it used to be all for him. I don't love him less, but does it feel that way to him because I love someone else too? (And as an aside....can we apply these questions/feelings to other loving relationships in our lives?)
I'm giving myself a lot of space and patience during this, though and I think that's why the week has felt so smooth. If I feel tired, I'm sleeping. If I feel anxious, I'm letting myself panic. If I feel sad, I cry. And if I feel fine, I'm indulging in it. I've taken away all the ideas of how things should be going and I'm just enjoying where we're all at every day. Those freezer meals are helping a lot too since this is my view the other 90% of the time.