My body has betrayed me.
I went to yoga last night and thought about healing energy. I tried to breathe into the places that are full of disease while balancing on my arms for the first time in months, my wrists still strong. I'm not even sore this morning, nothing has changed. But everything has.
Herein lies the problem. You can feel healthy and calm in your head but be stressed and sick in your body, and this is news to me. I have always felt things in my body with alarming accuracy. In college my anxiety attacks were a result of being able to notice changes in body temperature or digestion or muscle soreness on a deep level, which freaked me out.
Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, all of this body sharing must have thrown me off course because now my body isn't right and I wouldn't be able to tell you why. I go to the park with my family every.single.day. I drink coffee and sit on freshly cut grass and play fetch with my dog and I write and prepare dinner and life has been easy, and still - somehow - my body grew sickness related mostly to stress.
My doctor said, "you birthed a baby without drugs. you'll be fine with this" and I think how she must be so schooled, and how great that must be for her. But for me - birth was natural. It was what I was built for and any pain was divine pain. This? Going under? Having metal tools cut out sections of my body? That isn't natural. That's placing a human finger inside a temple. That's touching parts that should never be touched and pain related to that isn't even meant to be felt.
In this moment, I understand my father. He wouldn't go to the doctor. He would barely go to the dentist. I also understand that this caused his early demise. I say I believe in natural homeopathic methods, but faced with your body and your sickness and your choice and the possibility of leaving your life up to chance, those beliefs are challenged. I feel like a coward for wanting a doctor to make me better. It's against my personal manifesto,
And then deeper than that, I want my head back in the game, able to touch all parts of my body again.