The 9-5.

I have been working so hard.  I'm so still in front of my computer in front of the window that a bird is building her nest right there as if I don't even exist.

Lane and Colt play in the yard all day.  I can watch them, Colt swinging around a staff and running through karate routines and Lane digging in the ground and getting dirt under his nails or learning to climb on everything.

I watch them from the window.  I'm so lucky to be home, I think, but also, I hate being home.  Because closing my door and working while they are out there, while I can see them out there - it feels like I'm letting them down.  I want to be there too and I'm so close to walking barefoot beside them, but I can't get there.  There's a computer and a conference call and windows and a birds nest in the way and my shoulders get so tense and they stay that way.

What have I been working for?  We went to the mall tonight - GAP, Madewell, Victorias Secret.  Everything looked cheap.  Everything looked like crap I would never spend money on.  I don't even want to spend money.  Sometimes I think I want furniture or a new computer, but then I end up buying a bag of oranges instead and we all walk to the park.  And then I remember I'm late for a call and I have to listen to an earpiece while Lane is learning how to climb down stairs and I sit on the bench on the other side of the playground watching Colt teach him how.  And think - this sucks.

But it doesn't.  I mean, I'm home.  I can see them all the time.  I can put Lane to bed every night and make dinner too and sweep the floor during nap time.  But it does, too.  It sucks because I don't know what it's for.  I don't know what I'm working so hard for, and why, and if it's important which I'm sure it's not.  And in that case, why am I doing it?  And what should I be doing instead?

I was reading a book that said you can manifest any desire if you just ask for it.  The book told me to decide what I wanted and then ask for it very specifically and give the world a time frame to deliver, and to believe completely that I'd get what I wanted.  I spent two days trying to decide what to ask for.  48 whole hours.  And that's the problem.  My energy is completely unfocused.  If I knew what I wanted, I could ask for it and I believe I'd get it.  I believe when people are focused in that way, the possibilities open up for them.  But I don't know what I want.  I truly don't.

I ended up asking for a full length mirror........what?  And the universe didn't make it's deadline.  It was like - try again Ama.


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