I have been working so hard. I'm so still in front of my computer in front of the window that a bird is building her nest right there as if I don't even exist.
Lane and Colt play in the yard all day. I can watch them, Colt swinging around a staff and running through karate routines and Lane digging in the ground and getting dirt under his nails or learning to climb on everything.
I watch them from the window. I'm so lucky to be home, I think, but also, I hate being home. Because closing my door and working while they are out there, while I can see them out there - it feels like I'm letting them down. I want to be there too and I'm so close to walking barefoot beside them, but I can't get there. There's a computer and a conference call and windows and a birds nest in the way and my shoulders get so tense and they stay that way.
What have I been working for? We went to the mall tonight - GAP, Madewell, Victorias Secret. Everything looked cheap. Everything looked like crap I would never spend money on. I don't even want to spend money. Sometimes I think I want furniture or a new computer, but then I end up buying a bag of oranges instead and we all walk to the park. And then I remember I'm late for a call and I have to listen to an earpiece while Lane is learning how to climb down stairs and I sit on the bench on the other side of the playground watching Colt teach him how. And think - this sucks.
But it doesn't. I mean, I'm home. I can see them all the time. I can put Lane to bed every night and make dinner too and sweep the floor during nap time. But it does, too. It sucks because I don't know what it's for. I don't know what I'm working so hard for, and why, and if it's important which I'm sure it's not. And in that case, why am I doing it? And what should I be doing instead?
I was reading a book that said you can manifest any desire if you just ask for it. The book told me to decide what I wanted and then ask for it very specifically and give the world a time frame to deliver, and to believe completely that I'd get what I wanted. I spent two days trying to decide what to ask for. 48 whole hours. And that's the problem. My energy is completely unfocused. If I knew what I wanted, I could ask for it and I believe I'd get it. I believe when people are focused in that way, the possibilities open up for them. But I don't know what I want. I truly don't.
I ended up asking for a full length mirror........what? And the universe didn't make it's deadline. It was like - try again Ama.