Ama at 30 years old

I was born and then I lost a lot of memories of my childhood-

...but this isn't about the past.  It's about my 30 year old self which has followed it's own rollercoaster and dropped me off here, in this vacation bed staring at the ocean on the morning of my birthday.  And it's no wonder that's happened since my father worked at Carowinds and I rode rollercoasters most of the time in that aforementioned past, but I digress!  To hell with the past!  Now now!

Physical: The last year of my life has seen my body stretch for the second time around pregnancy.  While kinder this time around, it's no less jarring to feel like you're normal in your mind and walk by a mirror and see what you actually look like.  I've given myself the blessing of just not judging.  If there's anything I've learned from my first experience in the physically wacked out adventure of pregnancy, childbirth and beyond it's that moving my body is necessary.  I'm a performer at my core and I'll find my way back to the stage every time.

Eating:  Do I ever.  The deciding factor that I'd go to dance school as a 14 year old girl was that I loved to eat and if I wanted to keep any semblance of my hot bod, I had to work out.  What better excuse than to channel my love of the stage into physical fitness?  I love food and eat all kinds of it with zero limits, including desserts.  Due to family constraints (i.e. having one) I've been forced to learn how to cook and now have a mini repertoire of meals I'd proudly serve to guests...none of which my son will touch.

Sleeping: While being nocturnal most of my life, 30 has me settled down into a nice 8-9 hours a night.  When the lights go out I become immediately anxious as I have all my life, and I have to settle my head which involves Netflix sitcoms or a book.  Colt was one of the only people I could fall asleep with without all that mess, but time has changed that and I'm back to sleeping with a computer screen.  In my childhood, my dreams were flavored with Married with Children or The Dating Game; now it's Gossip Girl or Shameless.  

Family: I am where I thought I'd be in terms of family at this point.  The second baby is still a bit of a shock, but I always hoped I'd have all the children I was going to have by 30.  The idea of our son is what cemented Colt and I together.  The idea of our daughter has had a completely different effect, and yet I can't say I'm surprised or disappointed or unsure of anything in regards to my family.  I'm the type of mother I thought I'd be - sometimes amazingly patient and other times ridiculously short-tempered, always in awe of this miniature creature with my complexion and his father's eyes.

Development: I have and haven't changed in the last decade.  I'm introspective, analytical, detail-oriented and write everything down right after it happens, or during it happening, as close to the event as possible.  My collection of notebooks tops 50 and I often (once a month or so) look back at my past.  At the same time I'm emotional, impulsive, strong-willed and opinionated and I write all of that down too.  30 has tempered some of my impulses, but not by much.  Now, instead of making instantaneous choices and following through with them no matter what the consequences, I sometimes choose inaction.  

When I'm angry, I'm a different breed of woman, but 30 has changed what I actually do about it.  As a younger version of myself, the words came first as they always do, and then I made sure everyone knew just how angry I was and had some sort of consequence because of it (broken relationships, broken bones, broken self esteem).  Now the words come, and then I sit on my hands and wait for the peace to come after.  So far, the peace hasn't let me down.  It's always behind the anger.

Today, 8-8, I welcome the next 30 years -  all the joy and unimaginable happiness I'll find, and all the grief - all the ways I'll be jostled and stabilized and turned upside down and brought to my knees.  Bring it.


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