You aren't a human being having a spiritual experience. You're a spiritual being having a human experience.

It was nice to go to my father's house and have dinner with my stepmom and brothers tonight.  It was nice to hear old stories about going shopping with my dad, how he'd skip through the mall with me, both of us singing at the top of our lungs.

Then I came home a laid on the floor and put my hand over my heart and stared at the ceiling and said, "life has to end." and Colt quoted a bumper sticker about being a spiritual being having a human experience.

A friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend.  We had a beer before she did it and tipsy-talked through the why's.  She called me the morning after and sober-talked through the how's.  All the while, I was thinking of how she leads with her heart.  She moves through the world completely attached to it, it drags her into situations and keeps her in them for too long and when she's dragged out of them for whatever worldly reason, her heart truly breaks, even if the end is for the better.  Before she broke up with him, she said she was scared to do it and I asked her why and she said, "I just love him so much.  When I see him, I want to kiss his face all over."

Those words?  Those are beautiful words.  Those are the kinds of words I haven't been in touch with for years. Not because I don't have real love, but because I have been moving through the world closed off from my heart.  I have been getting through some terrible years.  Some insane years.  I've been doing it with my head down, I've been doing it the only way I can.

But I've gotten through those terrible years and I've been okay for a while now.  I don't need to keep my doors closed.  I can live life again instead of just survive it.

On this night before Thanksgiving, still on the floor, still with my hand over my heart, I'm thankful for all of the difficult situations that have brought me back in touch with it.  I'm thankful for my friend and her raw heart.  I'm thankful for my memories of my father even though they make me sad and for my brothers who both carry parts of him I can see so clearly.  I'm thankful for my sadness.

Tomorrow, I get to be around my living relatives and friends with Lane and Colt and I will relish in the liveliness of the chaos (because there's bound to be a little chaos) and I will breathe big breaths and be thankful for each of them and for being alive with people to love.


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