"You only ever try to leave me when you're pregnant"

Last week was hard.

Really hard.

The dishwasher crazies, a road rage middle-of-the-street screaming match, and then a relationship blow out that had me wondering if I'd be 34 weeks pregnant + toddler, and alone.

When the dust cleared, Colt jokingly said, "You only ever try to leave me when your pregnant" and I realized that was ever so true.

Not as if I'm to blame - we both lose it when expecting a baby.  He starts confessing every issue he's ever had, every problem he can't manage.  He loses his mental footing, wallows in depressive states and pushes me away with everything he has.  I become a ball of hormones, crying in bed without being able to pick a reason (there are too many), snapping at the slightest suggestion about my behavior, and scrubbing down every inch of the house, unable to hear anything but the rhetoric in my head.

Full of adrenaline, I called my friend who said, "Ama, what do you want?" and in that moment I just wanted to settle.  I wanted all of the particle pieces that were flying wildly around inside my body, electric and wired, to just settle the fuck down.

I know how to stay with someone -
and here's how you do it.
You stay.

You just - stay.  

You check your physical safety, you check your mental and emotional safety, you check your boundaries (the ones that love has not already brought to the ground).  Safe?  Good.  Happy?  No, but will you be?  Have you been?  Could you be?  Why and why not?  Should you be?  

Happiness - that word that morphs and changes throughout life, days, moments.  
Happiness - that choice.  
Even needs change. 

The buddhists say when you have a strong emotion, you meet it with awareness.  
You breathe in and say "I know I'm angry", you breathe out and say, "I know my anger is still in me."  You don't try to banish your anger or cover it up or make it go away or do any thing about it at all.  You just breathe in and know you're angry, breathe out and know you're still angry.  Then you make yourself coffee and read a book or go to work or whatever. 
The next time you feel angry, you do the same thing.  
And one day you feel the anger and it's not so strong.  And it doesn't control you the way it did at first.
And one day you look for it and it's gone.  


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