My First Mother's Day - A flashback

In retrospect, I don't think I understood pregnancy.

I went from being in a surreal place after that test came back positive with time moving in and out of focus, speeding up and slowing down and hormones raging so wildly that I wrote with hopes to harm people I'd never even met, to being a very miserable, uncomfortable, lonely, depressed pregnant woman hating every second of it, to being blown away by my birth experience and suddenly, very quickly, becoming a mother and not being able to think about the whole picture until 8 months later.  Looking back on pregnancy, the nastiness of my feelings waft back.

But then I see these pictures

and realize in the moment how much I couldn't see.  I was oblivious to the beauty of the whole experience.  I couldn't feel anything outside myself, only the amount of giving pregnancy requires, but despite my not being able to be present, it was still beautiful.  And I can see it now.

When I look at Lane today, it's hard to believe how he was formed there.  I try all the time to put it into words, to find something that comes close to my utter disbelief of the entire experience.  His toes were made inside me, his bones and skin and tiny, strange nose and his heart was beating before his brain existed and his soul found him at some point, too.  Two souls inside one body.

The whole thing is wild- being pregnant and having a baby
and then becoming a mother.
It changes everything.

It is lovely.

Also, a happy mother's day evening to my own amazing and incredibly beautiful mom, who has helped me over and over and over to make my dreams realities. <3<3


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