such is life

I lost my iPhone.  I spent an entire day stressed out, picking through trash and recycling, walking the sidewalks with my head down, obsessively tearing my house apart, checking every pocket of every pant and every closet and every purse until falling into bed, defeated.  I lost it in a ten minute span of time...I walked three different places in my is it really gone?  Slipped through a crack in the veneer.

For fathers day, we walked to the store, coffee in hand and the sound of cars rushing so close we could feel the wind on our skin.  We bought Doritos and an inflatable pool and spent the day playing in the backyard.

Alex came over and I bought art.


I glanced at instagram a few times and was overwhelmed by the photos of people and their fathers.  Happy fathers day, happy fathers day.  I tried to be happy for them instead of envious of their natural luck.  I made a thousand angry comments in my head at them anger was a manifestation of my miss.  I love my daddy.  I miss him.  These days when I miss my daddy, I miss my childhood too -

My therapist used to tell me that talking about my relationship with my father showed everyone else what different kinds of grieving looked like - and would maybe help them in their future losses not be afraid to grieve however they needed.  But more and more these days, the memories I have feel more special when I quietly savor them.  When I don't let them destroy me or overjoy me, but swirl around for as long as they want and go away when they go.

They didn't just go.  They took my whole phone with them.

When I woke up this morning, I said, "It's just a phone."  It truly is just a piece of plastic and crystal, however much money I paid for it - the joke's on me.


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