I'm extremely lucky. My job allows me to work from home, 9-5, Monday-Friday, the 40 hour work week with a computer on my couch, but it truly isn't the luxury everyone imagines when I say "working from home". I am not a stay at home mom.
Today I didn't even get dressed. I threw a robe over my underwear and tank top and stared at a computer screen for 8 hours. Colt asked me if I wanted coffee, what I wanted for breakfast, but I couldn't even answer. When Lane needed to eat, it took a lot for me to stop typing code and and open my robe and sit for 15 minutes without moving. I am so happy and proud that this boy has only taken three bottles in his four month life, but when my e-mail is flashing and my task list is growing, it's almost impossible to sit still while he eats, especially when 2pm comes along and I haven't even brushed my hair.
(finished eating and getting a quick kiss before being passed back to daddy)
When I had Lane, I didn't care if I never worked again, despite being the money-maker in the family. I imagined living comfortably poor in a studio apartment, making all of our toys, going outside every day and exploring. I believe that time is more valuable than money.
Still, this job I've stumbled into has been incredibly kind to me, giving me 8 weeks of maternity leave when I'd only worked there for four weeks prior, allowing me to work from home after the birth indefinitely. In my mind the choice was clear to keep this going. I could struggle to stay home, or I could get paid to do it.
Yet at the end of the day, when I haven't even looked up and my baby is tired and testy and I am exhausted and my eyes are bloodshot and the clock hits 5pm but my blackberry is still freaking out, I wonder if I've really made the best choice. I just want to rock him for hours. I can't imagine having to go into an office (if I had a job that made me, I'd just as rather live on nothing), but it's almost as hard to stay home and not be able to play with this beautiful boy.