Being a lady

There is not too much to update.

This feeling of waiting as the goal gets closer and closer is tearing me to pieces.  If everything goes smoothly (and I'm honestly still not sure it will) we close on the PNH this Friday...

I can't do anything but keep trying to be in this moment.  Right now, Lane is getting his diaper changed and he's making some great squeal-vowels while chewing on a monkey tail.  Colt is still in his pajamas, the sun hasn't hit the world all the way.  We both have coffee fashioned just right.  

The apartment is a total mess, clothes are strewn about from yesterday, the dishes aren't washed, we need to go to the grocery store and do laundry, and I have a ton of things I should be spending money on like flea medicine and a car wash.  My yoga mat is in the center of the floor, neglected.  I tried this morning, for about ten breaths, and just gave up.

Yesterday all of the ladies in the family went to see Oblivion.  The woman in the beginning, Tom Cruise's "effective partner" had me thinking about my desire to possess more grace, more womanly poise, the ability to say more with less words and different ways to support Colt where I can still appreciate the gifts he has without always thinking they are getting in the way of my "adult" goals (I do that....I actually think that sometimes).  No matter the "effective partner" was actually a hologram/alien creation and the real woman in the movie had lines like, "We imagined we'd live in a house by the river and fight".  I still envied the alien woman's control over her rough edges.  

It's a dichotomy actually.  Sometimes I want to be soft and pay attention to the angle of my wrist and the curve of my neck and let femininity consume me, and other times I want to lay into something ferociously, coming with elbows and knees and messy hair, and I think both of these together are good representations of being a woman.  Batsheva talks about lena, your ability to "snap" into out-of-control movement ("...we are aware of our explosive power and sometimes we use it").  It's a fire in your stomach that moves you.  But outside of that fire, you are smooth, steady, feminine.  I guess part of living in the moment is being able to embrace all of your pieces.

Today, I want to work hard to find grace.